Final Solutions

I could chose to kill myself but
it'd have to be more than just
relief or release from my current situation
a revengeful death
to create enough of a splash
to make the front pages of the tabloids
a public death even the kids could see
trampled by a herd of bunnies
smothered in their fuzzy fur
during an easter parade
then dipped in chocolate afterwards
stored in cryogenic stasis
thawed out when my list of demands
have become reality

I could go out to the mathematical tones
of a Bach fugue
bound inside a grand piano
an extra set of hammers studded with needles
dipped in toxins to pierce my skin
my cries of pain mix with
standard note wire vibrations
an off key performance
to take my life measure by measure
till the movement climaxes
overwhelms my body
slipping into shock
I expire amid audience applause

I could make the ultimate sacrifice
bring down the golden arches forever
develop a cult following of those who hate
Ronald McDonald enough
to cut him off at the knees
my pimply teen army recruits
infiltrate franchises in key cities
across the country, around the globe
coordinate cutting, breading, frying, packaging
of select body parts nestled next to
toys in happy meals
I am hopeful Islamic fundamentalists
might pitch in to thwart the great satan
a few spare body parts from suicide bombers
scraped together to settle accounts
would be appreciated

I could disappear from the scene at home
web cams strategically arrayed
broadcast on the internet for all to see
me collect mementoes in a pile
explain them in graphic detail
douse them with gasoline
cooly flick my bic
simultaneously play porn videos
draw in both the horny and the sentimental
lock myself in chains
wide shot to show
row upon row of ant farms
shower myself in honey
release the hordes to descend upon me
cut away to candle burning down
where it will light a fuse
igniting high explosives
a pit bull on a rope gnaws its way to freedom
outside camera four shows a wrecking ball
crane operator going over his checklist
I announce the site is now open for wagers
on which way I'll go and when

yes, it's just so hard to decide the best way
to kill yourself
when so many opportunities
present themselves
these are but a few
not even the best I've come up with

still, I'm open to suggestions
please let me know
if you come up with something better
I'll be forced to live a while longer
unless I find some method
just too good to pass up
so I can pass on

©polarpaul 2006