Buried

black and white photo of you
asleep beside
wooden alphabet blocks
lined up by
your toddler mind
too tired to play

obsessions start young
even mom and dad took note
remembered over 30 years later

they're divorced
so are you
broke her cold spinster cherry
of matrimony
her dream house brick money pit
nestled among the oaks
lawyers and doctors
led to conflict beyond
the help of counselors and compromise

still married to your need
to control the world through
the precision of geometry
trained to shoot the journey
of men in the world by
capturing
reflections of light
in 35mm emulsions

flash bouncing moments
fixed forever in time
in a chemical bath

What have you been taking?
What are you making?
of your life

locked into a trunk
an experiment by
your curious deviant brother
who later turned out to be
clinically insane
not a normal pre-teen
dark room experience

an anal teen who
ironed even
his jeans and t-shirts
before moto cross biking
in the dirt

dirt for play
dirt hauled up the hill
one wheel barrow at a time
to teach some character
keep you off the streets
to level the lay of the land

dictator dad let you have
one chance to retell
childhood from hell
20 years later when
you sought refuge in
his hillside home

cross country phone conversations
could not prepare you
to put up with dad's
probing encouragement

pining for privacy
you drove away
for a two day stay
in your car
in the city
site of your college and cancer

called him in Italy to ask
what you should do about
the alien invader in
your testicle

operate
contacted only the best facility
to cut you open to insure
optimal outcome

What else should a dad do?

not leave you to
the mercy of
medical creditors
who drove you
into bankruptcy after all
the insurance was gone

dad did drive
to see you when your innards
were scarred shut
from lymph node surgery
death in hours if
he hadn't heard
the vile green color
of your skin
through the phone
took action

where were you when
he lay sick
in the hospital
vomiting his own blood

could not be bothered
to bring his wife
to see him

so still with your sister
a year after you planned
to leave and live on your own

locking yourself into
her guest room
only emerging to feed
and go to work

fears for her marriage
with your tension in the air
wonders when where
you will go

can not bear to bring up
or broach the question
will you disappear completely
you're almost invisible now

plans of perfection prevent
all possibilities for help
left to your own devices
you will continue to
self-destruct
buried in your own mind


©polarpaul 2006